Bobble-Heading Through Life

It worked again, those three journal pages in the early morning before anyone else, including the coffee pot, is awake.  Okay, the cat was up, but she loves the morning pages, too.  All my journals and pens have been permanently scent marked by her, not to mention the addition of jagged lines from her rubbing on the pen at inopportune times.

I had been writing and thinking about several things that had come up in the last two days, one about self-respect, the other about dreaming vs goal setting, and then bobble-heading through life  showed up and Poof! that was it.  That’s what it’s all about – whether we go through life nodding and agreeing with all that comes our way, or do we take life by the hand and say, What a great adventure!  Let’s go!

I always thought I was a good dreamer – I can while away vast amounts of time in my head, lost in thought, oblivious to others who are wondering if I am dead, asleep, boring, or what.  Nope, just thinking and trying to work that Law of Attraction, picturing the book signings, the articles in glossy magazines, even Terri Gross wanting to talk to me.  I just didn’t realize I wasn’t a very effective dreamer, and that while dreaming is good, without action, it’s like the northern lights, magic while there but then gone.   I had always wondered why, with such good ideas, such positive thoughts, that I still seemed to be in the same place.

Action!  Even the most novice director knows to say that at the beginning of filming, but I seem to have missed that part.  My father was not an action oriented man, more the let’s see if something bad happens first before we do anything, so I am awed and amazed at people who think something and then do it.  Who knew!  Action people assume action follows thought, that if they think or say they want to do something, they do it.  The dreamers  just keep on dreaming and thinking and sometimes need to be reminded that something must be done before something can happen.  Action people have lists with things checked off and at the end of the day, they’re done and I’m still thinking.  I am so envious!

Part of this, I realize, is tied with self-esteem and whether we deserve those dreams or not.  I used to think that flabby self-esteem was invisible, a nasty, hidden secret we could keep from others, but no, it’s as plain as day.  Horse’s know it, kids know it, students in class know it and they can make your day hell.  I wish I had a magic wand that would cure poor self-esteem, but just like any bad habit that is ingrained, it takes work to overcome it.  And whine, whine, whine, no one likes to work on those kinds of things.  Fun things, yes, painful things, not so much.

So this Reluctant Success has steeled herself towards action, to setting a goal and actually doing it rather than thinking about it, and creating new habits.  I still haven’t figured out why some things are so easy, they just get done with no thought, but then there are those rascally ideas, the better job, the newer car, and all of a sudden it’s oh, it’s okay, it doesn’t matter.  But honey, it does.

Contained Abandon

I hadn’t thought of Contained Abandon, my mythical flower shop and haven, for a long time until I walked past a downtown garden that epitomized the idea.  A little square of land filled to the brim with poppies and irises, daisies, spiked purple flowers and white weedy plants that are trying to take over.  The poppies are holding their own. 

I love the image and feel of Contained Abandon, the scared, shy girl on the outside housing the heart of an artist, demure vs. outspoken, robin’s egg vs. hatchling, decaf vs. high-test.  It’s the exploding into who we really are with no doubt that it is true and right and good.  I hate even hinting that the full expression of who we truly are could ever not be perfect, it just IS.  The IS that goes beyond any peer pressure, dogma, or self-esteem.  It’s our Buddha in the Belly and what is right with the world.  It is loving again after great loss, a child at play, and trust in life. 

Contained Abandon is what makes me sit down and write, it is the mystery inside that keeps us trying to connect with each other over and over again.   I often don’t know how people can keep that power inside themselves, and  some do leak it out all over the place, their energy and spirit obvious and contagious to others.  It is not surprising that we would gravitate to that energy, hoping to steal a little for ourselves, or bask in that glow, but how often do we forget that we have that inside ourselves as well?  Do we let that spirit shine or do we encase it in a shell letting it out only on occasion or not at all?

Part of being a Reluctant Success is not honoring that power within, not being true to oneself, not believing.  In my current job I find I need to convince people, mostly women,  to believe in their skills, to feel worthy, to own their own power.  I know I often need to be reminded of this as well.  I would love to get to a place where I didn’t have to teach this, that we could unlearn the emotional bonds we wrap so tightly around ourselves.

I was just asked the best question today – what is my greatest accomplishment so far?  I was very pleased to find out that I’m proudest of just being happy and of who I am today.  I could look with love at my struggles, my changes, the new challenges ahead and know that I’m the best I’ve been yet.   And that it will only get better.  I feel pretty good about that.  I think I’ll let that shine on through.